Letting go of dreams

Many, many years ago I designed a sewing room in my house.  I worked with a carpenter and specified all sorts of nooks and features for my sewing.  Back then, I made most of my own clothes and outfits for my toddler.  When it was installed I bought this wallpaper to put up around the room. I loved this pattern.  I imagined it in the room, complimenting the paint of the cabinets.  I dreamed of making curtain tiebacks in the pale green and accent pillows in the peach colors.  I didn't get the wallpaper up in that house, but I stubbornly removed the built-ins and had them re-installed in my present home.  And the wallpaper came with me.

These rolls have sat on various shelves or been stashed in closets now for over 25 years.  I still love this wallpaper.  It wouldn't go anywhere now, even in my office/sewing room where it would clash with my closet shades.  It's a lot of work as I recall, to put up wallpaper and like any decorating project, it spawns a cascading wave of other changes.  And yet, I have a very hard time letting them go.  See, they represent a life I once had, a life I wanted at the time.  Keeping them around gave me the feeling I could still have that life if I would just put up the wallpaper.  And keeping the rolls said that some day I'd have the time to put it up, to realize the dream.  Getting rid of it is admitting to what feels like failure, a lack of will to finish something I started.  It says to me that I can still do what I said I would do and I would experience the pleasure of accomplishment and be able to enjoy something I thought was beautiful and reflected who I was.  I was someone who surrounded herself with delicate prints in muted colors that reflected a calm demeanor and feminine sensibilities.

Here's the truth - who I am is someone who dreams and has a hard time letting go of those dreams when they are no longer necessary or applicable.  And the harder truth, holding on to old dreams takes up space in the here and now and none of the dreams are realized, not yesterday's or today's.

I've thought of seeing if someone I knew would want them, giving me a chance to have them put to good purpose and maybe even see the wallpaper installed, thought not in my home.  Passing on the dream, so to speak.  But that doesn't work either.  Everyone has their own dreams waiting.

So, they are going to Goodwill, part of my purging my surroundings of things that no longer serve me.  It will free up some new shelf space that I'll use for genealogy files, my newer passion.  It feels like a weight off of my shoulders though there is a tug in my heart.